If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
guilty
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.