You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
You Might Also Like
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
my proudest tweet