if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
You Might Also Like
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Oh deer
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.