If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
You Might Also Like
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
The glockness monster
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
what?