If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
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ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!