If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
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Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one