3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
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“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands