“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
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Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
This is sending me to another galaxy
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?