People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
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I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Roses are red, you always mattered,
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2