[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
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[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot