It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
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Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think