If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
You Might Also Like
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Become ungovernable.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night