If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
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What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.