If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
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I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane