If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
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Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.