@Ivsy01: If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
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@yonewt: Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
@DaddyJew: Me: *passes out pizza* 3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2 Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices* 3: wow, thank you
@TheSharona06: [Divorce court] Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce. Judge: He was cheating? Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
@SaraMansford: Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it "MY way" you'd have added alcohol to your menu.