Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
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Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
You know…for fall…
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.