The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
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if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
My typo game is string.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?