@Jake_Vig: If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he's just not that into you.
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@simoncholland: [Mother's Day text to my wife] Don't let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
@mishakey: I just had 'the talk' with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn't real.
@UnicornSyrup: Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who'd stare at her boyfriend while he's sleeping.