Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
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[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.