BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
You Might Also Like
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop