I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
You Might Also Like
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.