If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
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Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Something Saturday.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?