If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
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Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
The Sun’s probably Asian.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
New tinder profile pic
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️