@SCbchbum: If horror movies have taught me anything, it's lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
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@dafloydsta: [couples therapy] ME: She thinks I make bad decisions WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
@Brampersandon_: [leaving a party] GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
@jackiembouvier: If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
@UncleDuke1969: And The Bro saith unto them, Follow me to the club, and I will make you fishers of women. Bromans 4:19