If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now