If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
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I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Real House Wines.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?