“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
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My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
A drum solo but on your face.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.