If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
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ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you