@LeonEarlgrey: If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.
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@Twits_Giggles: It's amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you're buying tampons.
@noog: [sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird] “Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
@brendohare: DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool