@LeonEarlgrey: If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.
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@dshack8: "I'll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself." Drunks and 1 year olds.
@mynameisntdave: ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
@Tw1tter_K1tten: Febreze commercial: "Now we remove her blindfold and..." *has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*