What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”