@LeonEarlgrey: If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death...
@KalvinMacleod: DOG 911: what's the emergency? DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it DOG 911: did u check his hand? DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
@TheMichaelRock: We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton's laugh.