STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
You Might Also Like
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
This anagram machine is out of order.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
technically true but not a great slogan
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder