If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
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A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill