Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
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Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious