Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
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Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.