@Brianhopecomedy: If I applied for a job at the Vatican & they asked for my references I'd say, "Contact Him" while pointing up. HOW COULD I NOT GET THE JOB.
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@KateWhineHall: Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line, I don't understand.
@envydatropic: Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
@RealPrincessKim: Every teen trick-or-treating tonight got a handful of candy and a, "You must be heartbroken. I can't believe Justin Bieber died so young!"