[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
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The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Good morning, Twitter x