My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
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I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Herpes is trending, good job people
He wanted to make sure😂
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back