A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
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I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
You are not alone 💚
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜