If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
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ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.