Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
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After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.