Not all heroes wear capes….
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I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance