@robo_junkie: If I could have any superpower, I would pick China.
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@parkersJoking: Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking "Damn I knew we shouldn't have given him that REI gift card"
@NervousJr: Don't feel like going to the gym? Go to all your ex's facebook pages and see who they're dating now. Then go to the gym.
@Pundamentalism: My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
@trevso_electric: My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.