If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
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Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
the last thing a carrot sees
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.