@captaincoximus: If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
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@david8hughes: [interrogation] "Where were you on the night of the 5th?" "Dealing drugs." "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] "Healing pugs. I'm a pug vet."
@LeonEarlgrey: Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
@Brampersandon_: Hey check out this new candle I got. -Sweet. What flavor is it? I think you mean 'what scent is it?' *with a mouthful of candle wax* -What?