If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
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I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
tis the season
i dont have time for this