If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
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My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack