My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
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A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I’m calling the cops.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.