If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
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Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.