If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
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To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*