@IntoxicaTweeted: If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [on first date] Let me get that for you. *holds door open* "May I help you, sir?" Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
@sarcasticmommy4: A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, "I need to make your dentist appointment."
@joeyhuggles: My favorite response to someone asking how something works... "Magic" even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy