@IntoxicaTweeted: If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
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@Reverend_Scott: "Kids are picking on me, Mom" I'll teach you how to fight, son. "Yes!" [Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
@WhiskeySoured: If a bear is chasing you, don't run. Be very still and tweet about it because you're about to die.
@clyderun: The ex hasn't moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.