@IntoxicaTweeted: If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
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@MandiAtRandom: I feel like something is missing from my life and I don't know if it's a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
@BadaBinge: Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I'm never gonna get chicks being a "homeless romantic".
@elvisknievil: My plan to reduce shark attacks. Get them hooked on meth. Getting gummed by a toothless shark probably tickles.
@leechee420: I'm sorry sir, your wife didn't make it. Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook? Yes sir, I'm afraid it was.