If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
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might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.