this is so top tier i cant
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No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Growing up was a huge mistake
sigh
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours