If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
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If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
me refusing to leave twitter
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Bed should get ready for ME
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”