If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
You Might Also Like
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Reporter: *ports again*
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything