@DrTster: If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
@ThePocketJustin: Don't you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
@malt_skull: Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I'm Edith, I like to watch
@CulturedRuffian: Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
@Maddy_ubert: Nurse - "OK we are gonna start you on the scale"
Me - "You know what maybe I'm not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
@electrolemon: yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men's shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn't choose