@DrTster: If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
@zacharyflynn: One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn't really fit me anyway.
@KentWGraham: Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
@OneFunnyMummy: Stop me if you've heard this already.
-said no kid ever
@edwardsnathn: You're lifting weights dude, you're not in labor. Settle down.
@kumailn: "Forget our mess. I'll go into the beauty of the natural world."
*Planet Earth 2. 100 snakes swarm iguana baby*
"I'll go back to the news."