@DrTster: If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
@McNarstle: Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who's dating your ex.
@envydatropic: Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
@UnFitz: Fact: A childless person coined the phrase "Sleep like a baby."
@P0tterhead_394: "You have a very large package downstairs."
I really need to work on how I word things to the men around this office.
@Elifcello: Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?