@DrTster: If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
@murrman5: [me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
@ieatanddrink: Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her "Im a lawyer.Or AM I?" then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
@ibid78: [sees a kid at the park doing the pee pee dance]
"NO KID, WAIT-
[it starts raining buckets of pee]
@kumailn: "Don't quote me on that." -anonymous
@pranavsapra: They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it's been taken out.