@DrTster: If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
@badteacher4u: Strangely enough, yelling "I have a masters degree!" at this electric wine opener is not helping me figure out how to make it work. Weird.
@thenoahkinsey: I shouldn't play with Legos? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
@Jazzzzzmina: Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you're happy and in love...
Maybe I was in jail.
@TarzanFeathers: Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.
Nine months if things go really wrong.
@Sal0630: Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher?
*girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*