If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
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H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
don’t we all
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.